What Was

If you read this post, you’d know that in honor of my 40th birthday I addressed the things that I dreamed about that I didn’t accomplish.  It was a way to be complete, to let go of old dreams to make room for new.

I had said that I was going to write a list of my accomplishments.  I wrote the list on paper, sitting in my car while waiting for L to finish her piano class.  It felt fine to do it, but I am not going to put it on my blog.  It seems…too…self-indulgent.  Besides, this way when I need some crazy story about my past, I haven’t already used it for a list.

Interestingly, after I wrote the list, I didn’t feel better about myself.  I didn’t feel a surge of confidence or more clarity about what I am supposed to do next.  Funny.  I thought I would.  Especially after looking at the things I hadn’t accomplished.  But I knew all of those already and so many were, frankly, old.  I thought, “If my old high school friends read this, it would sound sad.”

So where does that leave me?  Tonight, I’m not sure.  Been rough with my daughter the past few weeks, I’m struggling to write this unwieldy, overwhelming article where I have to act like a real reporter and confront public officials about unworkable policies (never done that before), and I need to have three different confronting personal conversations, none of which I want to have.  I’m not much in the mood to create big plans or tout my own successes.

Right now, I need a plan to get through this week.  A plan for the rest of my life will have to wait.

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6 responses to “What Was

  1. Ahh. A milestone birthday.

    As I read what you wrote I recall each one I hit: 10 (double digits), 13 (finally a teenager) 16 (I can drive), 18 (3.2 beer in my state) 20 (the hardest milestone so far; in my first career I was considered old and washed up by this age.)

    The rest of the milestone years have flown by. Each carried its own significance, or absence of significance, and each carried its own set of trials and victories.

    But 40? Wow! That’s something unique. Or maybe not. Maybe all milestones are, and 40 is just unique to you, me and anyone else hitting it.

    Tonight I’m with my grandma, who is contemplating her approaching milestone of 90, so who’s to say?

    You mention being unsure as you approach this moment. And I wonder: does any of my reflection leave me sure? Hmm… Actually, it does.
    I’m sure I love the person I’ve become.
    I wish for you the same gift at 40. And 90.

    • I love your comments. Thanks for sharing about your grandmother. Certainly puts things in perspective.

  2. Sometimes, just getting through a day is a very satisfying experience.

  3. At least you’re not a guy and have the need to buy a new sports car, jump out of airplanes, and generally revert back to being a self-centered jerk for a while 🙂

    Thank god 41 is almost here.

    • yes, well, we have breast augmentation and facelifts. Neither of which I am making appointments for.

  4. I love your blogs, and I especially love your thoughts on the big 40! I just get so frustrated and sad about how society views us women over a certain age! Yes, slowly we are changing that. inch by inch. I believe as we women get older we gain confidence. I also believe we get to the point where we can say “screw it”! And mean it! Not such a bad thing! Keep up the writing and keep being brave! You’re not getting older, you’re getting better! 🙂