What’s Up With Me, Part 1 or “Fuck You! I AM Happy!”

Recently, someone who is no longer my friend said I was too negative for her.  (More on the “someone who is no longer my friend” part in a later blog post.)

I found this characteristic surprising. Granted, I don’t know if she was trying to say I am negative in general or lately or what because she wasn’t open to speaking directly to me about ending our friendship. I couldn’t ask questions or get clarifications. Apparently, since we hadn’t spoken in several weeks, she was reading my tweets, updates and posts and decided that I am in too negative a frame of mind right now. She can’t deal with my issues because of her issues. (Again, more on that later.)

I am taking this viewpoint to heart, and kind of agree.  I HAVE been negative, at least from August 24th to about a week ago. Bottom line, when my daughter began Kindergarten, I was incredibly lonely. So lonely, I spent most of my time sleeping, reading depressing news articles and ranting about them online and watching season 1 of Lost.  The title of the show is an appropriate word for how I felt – I described myself as lost.  L was in school, my husband was working 12-14 hour days so was never around, and all my friends were taking care of their kids who were going back to school. I spoke to no one except my child and my husband for 5 days, minus 30 minutes of her ballet class on a Thursday. I felt like I was sinking.

Normally, I reach out to people and ask for help, especially when things are of an emotional nature. This time, I felt embarrassed to ask for support. “I’m a housewife. I don’t need to work. I can do anything I want. I don’t have the right to be depressed about, of all things, free time,” was the jist of my conversation with myself. I hid in my house, I complained to my husband, I called a couple of people and didn’t reach them.  That was about it. I just sulked.

Here’s the thing, though: I trusted myself to find my way out. I know me – I wasn’t going to stay depressed forever. I just needed to go through that space in order to find what I wanted to do with my time. Writing wasn’t it – that would put me deeper into alone mode. I needed to find things where I would be around people but not a job.  And I did. I researched, called around, weighed options, and found some shit to do.

1. I am taking an art class. I have always wanted to draw and now I am learning how. I am almost done with a chair that looks like a 3-dimensional chair, for realz, and can’t wait to be done.  Also, I am around a small group of women who are enjoying themselves.

Here is a photo of my very first drawing. IMG_0729

2. I am taking an adult jazz dance class. I love to dance, have done it all my life. If I’m not dancing, or don’t have a regular dance outlet, you might as well encase my feet in concrete.  Not all the women are experienced, some are beginners. But they like to talk and have fun. I could take the class every night if they offered it.

3. The political group has worked itself out, I am still the Chair and it is a lot more fun. We have a big training coming up that we are all organizing together and it is keeping me busy and talking to people.

4. I will begin a volunteer stint at Planned Parenthood of North Texas tomorrow. Once a week for 4 hours with my friend Linda. Again, an opportunity to talk to people while helping out a needed non-profit. I guess we are going to deal with old charts or something. Sounds appropriately boring – I am not in it for the interesting work, I am in it to be social and make good use of my time.

So now you know. I had a really dark period there for a while and I turned it around. All by myself. Sorry for not keeping you posted on my progress, or for leaving you thinking that I am an angry person in general. I get passionate but I am a positive person. I believe that about me and I hope that now, you do, too.

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5 responses to “What’s Up With Me, Part 1 or “Fuck You! I AM Happy!”

  1. You don’t need a fair weather friend, nor do you need someone who will judge you impulsively based on e-mails and Facebook posts. I think it’s very healthy that you used this experience as an opportunity for self-reflection, but I hope you don’t dwell on it for too long. There are millions of people in the world, no use in worrying about the ones who don’t recognize your value as a human being. Most likely they are consumed by envy, too bad for them. Stay on the path, you will meet some very worthwhile people as you volunteer for causes you believe in. Hugs to you.

  2. Thanks for sharing your story! I like especially how you showed what actions you have taken to help get yourself out of that funk. Even doing small things like going out for a walk is better than doing zero.

    Your story was a nice reminder too of how we should see if there is a deeper picture going on when someone who’s normally positive starts to go on a negativity slope. Perhaps we should be offering to help instead of pushing away.

  3. I’m glad that you’ve found some things to do! That can be tough– to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

    I’ve done the same… many times. It’s difficult to do, especially with any sort of grace. I think you make the biggest changes when you feel the biggest, deepest pain.

    That being said, I do wish you had reached out to me. What can I say, though– I’ve been just as bad at reaching out to my friends when I need a connection and/or support.

    I’m sorry your hubby’s been working so many hours… that’s tough!

    Take care… maybe we can get together soon?

  4. Restlessness + Internet = Disaster! Been there, done it more times than I care to admit.

    You concentrate on you. Whoever this person is, if she is just an internet friend could have stopped following without making a scene about it (I’ve had to do that with people, too). Or just sort of faded away with a half-hearted “We should get together sometime…see you around, hon.” And left it at that.

    No one needs to tell someone that “I am not being your friend anymore because you are too negative.” Unless you go trying to extract it out of them. That is for the 4-square lot in grade school.

  5. I am so envious that you have time to pursue all of these personally enriching opportunities. Good for you!!!